The last time I made chili was at the end of summer, when I crafted the award-winning Ghijklmnop Pineapple Chili. Two weeks later, after scraping the last of that batch of chili from the bottom of the pot and sticking it to the bottom of my gut, I began thinking of what my next chili would be, and how many awards it would win.
I've read the chili recipes, but honestly, they're really more of recommendations. The best way to make a chili is to go into a grocery store with a concept and start putting items in your cart. The concept I've been mulling over for a while now was for an autumnal chili: something that would capture the flavors of fall. Yesterday was Election Day; the campaign commercials will shortly be replaced by Christmas ads; I figured it was time to act. So I went to the polling booth, and then I went shopping.
Since this a recipe of my own design, I will walk you through its creation.
Start by heating your oven to 350 degrees. Then grab some delicious almonds, and toss them with a few splashes of an oil of your choice. I used peanut oil. Lay em out on a baking sheet and spice liberally with delicious cinnamon. And kosher salt. Like this:
Throw that in the hotbox for 15 minutes, rotating once. Meanwhile- it's time to address the meat!
A little olive oil goes in the pan, and two pounds of delicious ground beef get's browned. I seasoned my beef with delicious maple syrup....
...And some steak seasoning. (And kosher salt. Say it with me, kids: "Salt makes food taste more like itself!") Now, this is an autumnal chili right? And what's the quintessential fall holiday that's not Halloween? Yes, it's Thanksgiving. And what's the centerpiece of every good and proper American Thanksgiving? A turkey. So why am I opting for beef over turkey? Simple. Turkey may be tasty... but if it were a person it would be a real quiet talker, and I'm hard of hearing. In the bump-n-grind environment of a chili, turkey would be a wallflower. And nobody wants that. So BEEF it is.
Anyways, right about this time those almonds should be coming out of the oven. They should look like this:
YUM-O, BITCH! Set them aside for now. When the beef finishes browning, set it aside too. But don't wash that pan yet. We'll be using it again.
Meanwhile, it's time to address Team Greens.
These are the fruits and vegetables we'll be working with today. But not all at once. They will be dealt with in stages.
First, cut up two delicious shallots, one delicious white onion, one delicious red onion, one delicious yellow onion, five delicious serrano chiles, five delicious scallions (A.K.A. delicious green onions) and three uh, large celery stalks like so:
Most people who try to tell you things about food will tell you to remove the seeds and membranes from chile peppers. But I'm not most people, and I like the heat. So I leave 'em in.
Next, put a big old pot over medium heat and some EVOO in the bottom. Once it's warm and shimmery, throw in the veggies.
I'm sorry, did I just say "EVOO"? How shameful. I give you permission to hit a bottle of olive oil in the face next time you see me. Let those delicious aromatics generate some aroma.
Not interested in this chili yet? What if I had a magic spell that would change your mind? As a matter of fact, I do.
Bippity, boppity BACON!
In the same pan you browned the meat in, lay down 5 to 10 slabs of delicious bacon. Thick cut is preferred. Hit them with some coarse ground (FRESH) pepper and cinnamon. Listen to the food applaud you.
Next, add a can of delicious sweet corn, a can of delicious stewed tomatoes, and a can each of delicious black and delicious kidney beans to the pot. You can use other beans if you want, this is just what I had on hand. Hell, you could use no beans at all, but know that in some circles you will be called a heretic. But in some circles adding tomatoes to a chili is heresy, so fuck circles, am i rite?
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| fuck circles. |
Things are getting steamy. Once the bacon is nice and crispy, take it out of the pan. Here is a picture of my crispy bacon.
You'll notice that there is a lot of fat swimming around in this pan. Well, I can't just put that down the drain. So I put it in the chili pot. If you are more health conscious than I, you can skip this step. But if you're so health conscious why are you making this chili in the first place, ya big dummy?
At this point I realized to my utter embarrassment I forgot the garlic, which should have gone in with the aromatics. I hastily chopped up 5 or 7 cloves of delicious garlic and threw them in with a few delicious banana peppers.
I cannot imagine a chili sans garlic. In fact, without garlic, I simply would not care to live.
At this point I also added the first of three delicious tablespoons of chili powder. Things are getting steamy now, as you can see. But they are also getting... chunky. And not all the guests have shown up to this party yet. It's time to thin this out a little with some choice liquids...
We begin with one cup of delicious coffee. The stronger the better.
And the coup de grâce, one cup of apple cider. Now if that's not autumnal, I dunno what is.
Lid that chili and let it come to a boil while you chop up the next round of vegetables.
Now I've heard apples are fruits, not vegetables. But if you want to get down to brass tacks about it, while 'fruit' is a scientific term and has a precise definition, 'vegetable' is a culturally variant term. Despite what the FDA told you, in the scientific community, vegetable just means pertaining to plants. So eat it! Plants, that is.
Throw in the second of three tablespoons of delicious chili powder, and we're starting to get somewhere edible. But we haven't even added the meat yet, and already it's getting crowded. Time to put some more liquid into this pot. But what to use, what to use...?
HOW 'BOUT BEER?
Originally I had intended to use Old Milwaukee beer. But I live in Chicago, which is partial Old Style, and it's what they offer at the Jewel's. It doesn't make much of a difference since both of these old beers come from the same city and are made by the same brewing company. Anyways, two cans of delicious beer go in the pot, and so does the beef and bacon. It's best to crush up the bacon a little bit first.
Now we deal with the last of the fruits. A handful of delicious cranberries, delicious dried plums and delicious dried apricots go in the pot. Stir it up!
This really adds some color to the chili, and will greatly contribute to that sweater-weather feeling we're aiming for. Only a few more steps left. Go ahead and add the last tablespoon of chili powder. And...
One tablespoon delicious hot sauce. I used Frank's because the heat isn't overwhelming and the flavor is, well, amazing. It's the most flavorful hot sauce I know.
One tablespoon delicious worchestersice? Worcestershire sauce. Uh, BAM! I guess..
One teaspoon delicious soy sauce. Soy sauce is essentially tasty salt water, and you know what salt does...
And one teaspoon delicious honey. It's my instinct to add more honey, but between the maple syrup'd meat, the cider and the fruits, this chili will be sweet enough. The honey will diversify the sweetness, making for more complex flavors. I think. I dunno where I pulled that from. Does my restraint with honey indicate that I'm becoming a better chef?
Yes. Yes it does.
And finally half a bar of delicious 70% cacao chocolate, chopped. Chocolate has long been a secret ingredient in chili but now for the first time anywhere ever I am revealing this deep and very well kept secret.
At this point you should add some tarragon, basil and hell, maybe even some oregano. I was really fucking tired though and just forgot. Anyways. reduce the heat to medium low and put the lid on. Cook for around two hours, stirring at the hour mark.
Boil yourself up some rice, and serve.
So, how is it? Well, I wish I'd remembered those spices, but honestly I don't think they affected the flavor that much. This is a damn good chili. It's sweet on first taste (but not sickly sweet, and I have a low tolerance for sugar), and it's also got some heat. The heat is gentle and ebbing, just enough to excite the other flavors. I was surprised by how much I could taste the maple syrup, considering I only used a few dashes on the beef. The consistency is exactly what you would expect from a good chili, thick; but not stomach-paste. The fruit adds a lot of notes you wouldn't normally expect in a chili, yet they are all working in concert. Nothing seems out of place. The almonds are probably my favorite touch- they softened nicely, but still provide a good crunch. This award-winning chili is probably the best I've made to date. Great Job!
No chili recipe is ever complete though. Fall comes but once a year! Let me know how you think I totally bungled a sure thing, and maybe I'll take your recommendations into account when I make another Harvest Chili next autumn.
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